Funny Jokes

wahh hair posted too many… like that lazy to read ar~

ya, too many, ppl don't bother to read la, limit to 2 per day, give time for them to digest, especially for underages

read slowly lor... this post almost dead.. nobody posting so i spam..
wakakakaka only ppl wif patient can read dey...

Matrix wrote:

read slowly lor... this post almost dead.. nobody posting so i spam..
wakakakaka only ppl wif patient can read dey...

i read all of it leh
but then got some not really nice~~
bro post more post more
hehe

shroomhead lie~ i think she skipped some lol

Popuri wrote:

shroomhead lie~ i think she skipped some lol

ya, can't ready them all, will take years

i really did read all of it -.-
mustn't waste my bro effort to cheer us up~~

i tink nobody like to read... shld post cartoon pix next time... Human brain are very slow sometimes... lol

bring on the jokes hairil, i check this thread everyday waiting for more. dont stop it man!

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of using the restroom. Each time he tried to use it, it was occupied. The flight attendant aware of his predicament, suggested he use the ladies room but she cautioned him against pressing any of the buttons. The buttons were marked "WW", "WA","PP" and "ATR".

Making a fateful mistake many men make in disregarding what a woman says, he allowed his curiosity to get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway. He carefully pressed the first button, marked "WW", and immediately warm water sprayed his entire bottom. He thought, "Golly, the gals really got it made....."

Still curious, he pressed the second button, marked "WA", and warm air dried his bottom off gently and quickly. He thought that was out of this world. The button marked "PP" caused a large powder puff to powder his bottom with a sweet smelling silky powder.Well naturally he could not resist the last button marked "ATR".

When he woke up in the hospital, he panicked and buzzed the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened? The last thing I remember I was in the ladies room aboard a plane." The nurse replied "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the last button marked "ATR" which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover. Your...thing is under your pillow."

Gastronomical Bean Story ****

Once upon a time there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction upon him. By and by he met a girl and fell in love.

When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "she is such a sweet and gentle girl, she will never go for this kind of carrying on." So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans (they were married shortly thereafter).

Some months later, his car broke down on the way home from work, and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because of the misfortune, and that he would have to walk home.

On his way home he passed a small cafe and the odor of freshly baked beans was overwhelming. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured that he would work off any ill effects of the beans before he got home, so he stopped at the cafe.

Before he had left he had eaten three large portions of the baked beans. All the way home he putt- putted, and after arriving, he felt reasonably safe that he had putt-putted his last.

His wife seemed somewhat agitated but excited to see him and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight." She then blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of the dining room table. He seated himself, and just as he was ready to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him vow not to touch the blindfold till she returned, and then went to answer the phone.

Seizing the opportunity, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but as ripe as rotten eggs. He took the napkin from his lap and vigorously fanned the air about him. Things had just returned to normal when he felt another urge coming upon him, so he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This was a true prize winner.

While keeping his ear on the conversation in the hall, he went on like this for ten minutes until he knew the phone farewell indicated the end of his freedom. He placed his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it and smiling contentedly to himself, was the very picture of innocence, when his wife returned, apologizing for taking so long.

She asked if he had peeked and he, of course, assured her that he had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold and there was his big SURPRISE.

Twelve dinner guests seated around the table for a HAPPY BIRTHDAY PARTY for him!

Certificate for her Birthday ****

A fellow was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything. Besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants so I'm stumped."

His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex any way she wants it? She'll probably be thrilled."

So the fellow did.

The next day his buddy says, "Well, did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," replies the fellow.

"Did she like it?"

"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll be back in an hour.'"

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other
> stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"
>
> I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom
> but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
> "Doin' just fine!"
>
> And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"
>
> What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this
> is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
>
> At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I
> hear another question. "Can I come over?"
>
> Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could
> just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a
> little busy right now!!!"
>
> Then I hear the guy say nervously...
>
> "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other
> stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

Confession Before Marriage ****

On their way to Vegas to get married, a wife-to-be confesses to her guy that the reason they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat-chested. If the guy wishes to cancel the wedding, it is OK with her.

The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.

Several miles further down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession that he has a * * * * * just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, it is OK with him.

The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage.

They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married.

On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes; she is as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. After one glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.

After she became conscious, the guy asked, "I told you before we got married. Why did you still faint?"

The girl said, "You told me it was just like a baby!"The guy replied, "It is -- 8 pounds and 21 inches!"

My daughter is your reward
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"

Be afraid if you annoy this husband
A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman's horse mis-steps and jostles the man's wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally, he states, "That's one." The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.

A bit further down the path, the woman's horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, "That's two!" He returns to his saddle and they move on.

As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman's horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the woman's horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, "That's three," removes a pistol from his vest, and shots the horse dead.

The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband, "That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!"

The man stares at his wife and firmly says, "That's one!"

A man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Japan on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the
man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "$5,000"

The man replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return'"

One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.

MOM : "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."
SON : "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."
MOM : "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."
SON : "One, all the chilldren hate me.Two,all the teachers hate me."
MOM : "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."
SON : "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"
MOM : "One,you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand your
responsibilities.
Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.

Doctor: your husband needs rest and peace.Here are some
sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you.


God saw me hungry,he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty,he created pepsi.
He saw me in dark,he created light.
He saw me without problems,he created YOU

Three fastest means of communication in the world.
Tele-phone
Tele-vision
Tell-a-woman.
You still want faster?

Tell her not to tell anyone

Airways Recorded Messages

Lufthansa

Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the
captain:"Ladies and Gentlemen,I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean".

The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement.

"Ladies and Gentlemen,we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an
emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane.

After this announcement all the passengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request.

Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean.The captain once again made an announcement: "Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean.All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane.

For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane... -Thank You for Flying Lufthansa-".[

WHY LADIES MUST KNOW HOW TO SPEAK ENGLISH

One day, an Ang Moh from USA arrived at KLIA Airport.
After he checked out from the customs,
he felt he needed to go to the toilet, so he looked for one.
When he found the toilet, there was a lady sitting at the entrance.
When he was about to enter the toilet,
the lady stopped him and asked for forty cents in Cantonese ("sey kok").
The Mat Salleh wondered why in MALAYSIA
they have to "see the cock" before entering the toilet?
So he said "no" but the lady insisted.
Since he had no choice, he took out his cock and showed it to her.
The lady said "No! No! Duit, Duit!" (money in Malay),
but the Ang Moh misunderstood again and thought that she said "Do it! Do
it!"
So he asked, "Now? Here?"
The lady replied "Yes, yes!" because she doesn't quite understand
English.
The Ang Moh thought that she wanted to have sex with him,
so he stripped the lady and made love to her.
The lady started screaming and shouted, "SAKIT! SAKIT!" (pain in Malay),
and the Ang Moh thought it was "SUCK IT! SUCK IT!"
He said "OK! I will suck it for you" and took both b*ea#ts and suck
them.
The lady again screamed "Oh, TUHAN!" (Oh, MY GOD....in Malay).
The Ang Moh misunderstood again. "Too HARD?
OK, sweetheart, I'll be gentler a bit," the Ang Moh replied.
Suddenly, a security guard walked by, so the lady shouted for help,
"TOLONG! TOLONG, ENCIK!"
The Ang Moh replied, "Not too long, just 6 inches only."

An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge."
"If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $5,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him;
"Then you try again...!"

There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years.

They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They kept no
secrets from each other except that the old woman had a shoebox in the top
of her closet that she cautioned her husband never to open or ask her
about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the
little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoebox
and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he
should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money
totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be
married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage
was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should
just keep quiet and crochet a doily."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two
precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this
money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the doilies."

A girl from shanghai went to HK for a job interview.
To test her English, China boss ask her to create sentences with :
green,pink,yellow,blue,white,purple, n black.
She answered: I hear phone GREEN GREEN, then i go and PINK up the phone, n say YELLOW, BLUES that?
WHITE did u say? Oh wrong number, dont PURPLELY disturb people and dont call BLACK, OK?
Boss say : U can go BLACK now n wait for phone GREEN GREEN.