Funny Jokes

wah, underage? >_<

this ppl are so strict

This particular joke won an award for the best joke competition organized in Britain

Banta Singh walks into a bar in London and ordered 3-gl* * * * *es of beer and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more. The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the gl* * * * *; it would taste better if you buy one at a time."

Banta Singh replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai, the other in Canada and I'm here in London. When they left home, we promised that we'll drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. Banta Singh became a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders 3-Beers and drinks them in turn.

One day, he came in and ordered only 2-Beers. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says," I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere condolences on your great loss. " Banta Singh looked confused for a moment, then he laughs .... "Oh, no," he, said, "Everyone's fine - both my brothers are alive" . " The only thing is ........................................... I just quit drinking"!!! [(#)][(#)][(#)]

A Captain and a Camel

A captain in the foreign legion is transferred to a desert outpost.Then he notices an old, seedy lookin camel at the back of the barracks and asks his sergeant what the animal is for.
"Well sir," he says. "we're a fair distance frm anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges.When they do, uh, we have the camel."
"Gosh, says the captain."well...if it's gd for the men's morale, it's all right with me."
The captain soon becomes frustrated himself.Finally he can stand it no longer and tells his sergeant:"Bring in the camel"
The sarge shrugs his shoulders and leads the camel to the captain's quarters.The captain then gets a foot stool and begins to have vigorous sex with the camel.As he steps dwn, satisfied, he asks the sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The sergeant, somewhat surprised, replies,
"Well, no sir, they usually just use it to ride to the brothel in Town."

One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.

But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.

Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"

The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."

He soon falls asleep.

Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.

Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest."

A fellow stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my shoes please?"

The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me up here to make love to you!"

They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"

He replies, "OK, let's check!"

He shouts down the stairs to his friend, "Both of them?"

The reply comes back, "Yes, both of them!

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the
office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he opened the door a
truck came roaring past and completely tore off the driver's door of the
Lexus. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911.
When a policeman arrived, the lawyer was still screaming hysterically.
His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now
completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body
shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are", he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Didn't you notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
The lawyer looked down to his left side and let
out a terrible scream: "Oh my God!!! ... MY ROLEX!"

God's Letter

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.

A cop is stalking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.
When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the iginition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off. When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.
The cop says,"How is this possible?"
The guy says, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy".

An Italian goes to Church and tells the Father that he wants to make confession. Father says, "OK my child, tell me your sin, I'll pray to God for you".
"Father, at the start of World War II, a girl knocked my house and said Nazis are after her, and pleaded to save her". "I hid her in the attic, and Nazis could not find her".
"That was a very noble act you did, you saved life of a girl in distress, there's nothing to be guilty of, in fact God will reward you for this", the Father says.
"No, the thing is, I took sexual favours from the girl in return".
"Oh, I see", the Father exclaimed, "but I think I can pray for you to pardon you for this. I am sure God will see to it rationally, you saved life of the girl at the same time, and God will pardon your sin of sexual favours, I hope God will weigh both your acts and pardon you, I'll pray to God for you, my
child".
"One more question, Father", "Can I now tell her that the World War is over".

A couple were in court to fight custody for their one and only child.

Wife: Your Honour! Its logical that the person who gives birth to the child is the rightful parent.
Judge: Yes its true. What do you have to say dear Husband?
Husband: Your Honour, if you want to make use of logic, hear what I have to say first. If I put a coin in a can vending machine, and the machine dispense the can of drink..It BELONGS to me right?
Wife & Judge: @$%!$%#

After the Honeymoon ***

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well," said her mother, "so - how was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed - they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama... words like:
DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK..."!
[)][)][)]

Honeymoon Accident ****

On the night of their honeymoon, a newlywed couple had an unfortunate accident, resulting in the amputation of the groom's left foot. Unable to control her grief, the bride called her mother from the hospital.

"Mother", she sobbed, "My husband has only one foot."

The mother, trying to console her daughter said, "That's alright dear, your father has only six inches."
[(#)][(#)][(#)]

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: "So how are your men?"

"Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie."

"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country." "Well, my men are very brave, too."

"I'd like to see that."

So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: "Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"

"Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!" As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:

"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late. "When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."
One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.
"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.
"I was was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."

WHY LAWYERS ARE SMARTER THAN DOCTORS..
In the middle of the night,in the middle of nowhere,two carsboth slightly cross over the white line in the centre of the road.They collide and a fair amount of damage is done although neither drivers is hurt.
It's impossible to assess blame for the accidenton either.They both get out.One is a lawyer and the other is a doctor.The lawyer calls the cops on his mobile phone;they'll be here in 20 minutes time.It's cold and damp,and both men are shaken.
The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask,the doctor accepts,drinks and hands it back to th elawyer who puts it away.
"Arent you going to have a drink?"ask the doctor
"AFTER the police gets here,"replied the lawyer..

NEW MANAGER
A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."
Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.
About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.
Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost
instantly be removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by
simply using the sink.



4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for
a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a
timer.



5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.



6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
will be afraid to cough.



7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will
forget about the toothache.


Sometimes we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.



Also remember:

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when
you might need them to empty your bedpan.

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting with St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood-curdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the
conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams.

"Oh my God," says the old lady, "Now what is happening?"

Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."

"You can't go there'" says St. Peter.

"You'll be raped and sodomized.

"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that."[88][:u][88]

WIFE's DIARY
Sunday night.
I thought he was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a cafe to have coffee.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was
upset that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere
quiet so we could talk.
He agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
I asked him what was wrong.
He said: "Nothing."
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him.
He simply smiled and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior;
I don't know why he didn't say: "I love u, too."
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there and watched TV;
he seemed distant and absent.
Finally, I decided to go to bed.
About 10 minutes later he came to bed.
I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.
I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.
I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.

HUSBAND's DIARY
Today, Liverpool lost the match. DAMN IT..!!
(ends)

Pissed Off Wife ***

A pissed off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along.

"What'll ya have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.

So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

"Yuck, it's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
[xo][xo][xo]

It was my first time ever
And I'll never forget
I'd do it again
Without a single regret.
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do.
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came.
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever

At milking a cow...

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing?
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb
so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office
and asked "What are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said "You are clearly stressed out.
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her
"...And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.Shortly afterward,she told him she was pregnant.Not wanting his wife to know,he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and
have the baby there."But how will I let you know the baby
is born?"she asked.He replied,"Just send me a postcard and write
"spaghetti" on the back. I`ll take care of expenses."
Not knowing what else to do,the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.Six months went by and then one day the doctor`s wife called him at the office and explained,"Dear,you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe,and I don`t understand
what it means." The doctor said,"Just wait until I
get home and I will explain it to you."Later that evening, the doctor
came home,read the postcard,fell to the floor with a heart attack.
Paramedics rushed him to the ER.The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.So the wife picked up the card and read,"Spaghetti,Spaghetti,
Spaghetti,Spaghetti -2 with sausage and meatballs,2without."