Funny Jokes

Embarrassing Situation ***

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says..."Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
"I will grant you one wish. Just one wish...each person is allowed only one!" The bartender gets really excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf...I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Tell me about it!!" says the man... "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. One day, John
suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool. David jumped in
and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act..
He immediately order David to be discharged from the Mental Hospital as
he is OK.

Doctor: We have good news and bad news for you, David. The good news is
that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your
senses, since you are able to jump in and save another patient you are now a
normal person. The bad news is that, the patient Mr. John, whom you
have saved, hung himself in the toilet, and died.

David: Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry !

50/50 Sharing ***

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

Three Rooms to Choose from ***

A guy dies and is sent to hell. He's met by a devil who explains the rules:

"We have three rooms. If you don't like the first room, you can go look at the other two, but you can't go back to the first."

The devil takes the guy to the first room. Inside people are standing upside down on hot coals. The guy wipes his brow to clear the sweat and says "Nope... Not for me!"

The devil then takes him to the second room and warns him before he opens the door, says, "If you don't like it here, you must take the third and final room."

The devil opens the door and inside people are standing on their heads in molten lava. Again the guy wipes his brow and says, "Nope... Not for me, either."

Finally, the devil brings him to the third and last room. Inside people are standing knee-deep in ****, drinking coffee. "Hey I lucked out," the guy says. "These people seem nice. I like coffee and I can probably get used to the smell. I'll take this one."

Five minutes later, the same devil returns and shouts out, "Coffee break's over! Everybody back on your heads!"

3 ladies were on a flight. Suddenly the pilot informed them that
there was a technical problem and the plane was going to crash into the sea.

A Chinese lady quickly took her cosmetics set out and started to doll
herself up. A Malay lady beside her questioned her on her actions.

The Chinese lady replied that if she looked beautiful, the guys coming to
rescue survivors would usually save the pretty ladies first.

On hearing this, the Malay lady started to put on all her jewelleries.

An Indian woman sitting beside the Malay lady was curious and questioned her.

The Malay lady said that the rescuers would save her because she would
easily be identified by the glitter of her jewels.

Then the Indian woman started taking her clothes off. Both the Chinese and
Malay ladies were shocked and questioned her. The Indian woman then replied
that rescue teams do not usually look for survivors. They usually look for
the "Black Box" first!

Once 2 men found a sacred area which has a large resevoir and a genie greeting them upon entrance.

"I will grant both of you one wish to whatever you wish the resevoir to turn into. Just run towards the resevoir and shout your wishes."

The first man ran towards the pool after some thoughs and shouted "Black Gold~!"
Instantly the resevior turned into a large pool of Oil.

The second man saw and ran towards the resevoir. Before he could shout what he wanted, he tripped over a stone and the words that came out from his mouth was......."shlt~!"

Matrix wrote:

Once 2 men found a sacred area which has a large resevoir and a genie greeting them upon entrance.

"I will grant both of you one wish to whatever you wish the resevoir to turn into. Just run towards the resevoir and shout your wishes."

The first man ran towards the pool after some thoughs and shouted "Black Gold~!"
Instantly the resevior turned into a large pool of Oil.

The second man saw and ran towards the resevoir. Before he could shout what he wanted, he tripped over a stone and the words that came out from his mouth was......."shlt~!"

LOL so he fall into a pool of sh!t?

yupo.... any kind of shit in mind throne?? lol

post too many la, hairil please post 2 - 3 a day max, now i don't even bother to read because too many.

dont let the devil scam ur SOUL

omg hairil, u are so damn free to find all these jokes lol. what u actually work as xD

Prison Officer... lah... got to hide2 using internet at work u noe....
wakakakaka

SO free go chat with e prisoners la

probably most prisoners are old fat ladies, hairil will get harrassed if go chi chat with them.

I think he work in a male prison so got gays only no gals.

ShadowThrone wrote:

I think he work in a male prison so got gays only no gals.

hmmm, if that's the case, i am wondering how come hairil still got time to play pko and post so many jokes then, he should be very busy.

wahahaha nice funny jokes hairil...

what do u mean $200??

pay back time

lol... nice one huh.. you all asking why i am so free??? k i tell all of you
You all know I am TheOne.... so i surf inside the cyber...faster than speed of light..*+10000 speed bonus* wakakakakakaka

A woman was in front her front yard mowing grass when her attractive male neighbour came out of his house and went straight to the mailbox.

He opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later he came out of his house again went to the mail box and again open it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house he went.

As the woman was getting ready to edge the lawn, he came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by his actions the woman asked him, "Is something wrong?"

To which he replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

Two strangers were drinking one evening in a pub at the top floor of a skyscraper downtown. After a few rounds of drinks, they started arguing.

The first man said to the other, "You know, these days the buildings are built so close together, that if you jump down in between them, the updraught between the buildings will carry you back up!"

"Bullsh1t!" the second man replied.

"It's true! Come, I'll show you..." and the first man brought the second man to a window. The first man then opened the window and to the horror of the second man and the other patrons, he jumped right out! However, after a few seconds he floated back up again and came back in through the same window.

"Now you try it!" he said to the second man. The second man was impressed and said, "If you can do it, so can I!"

He climbed out the window and jumped off the ledge, only to land on the ground with a resounding *SPLAT* !

At this point, the bartender said to the first man, "You know, Superman, you're one hell of a mean drunk."

Want to know why u r working so hard?
(An interesting& meaning story for u)
On the very first day of the world, God created the
cow.He said to the
cow:
"Ah Gu (cow), today I have created you!
Your job is to go to the field with the farmer all
day long.You will
provide the energy to pull things!
You will also provide milk for people to drink!
You are to work all day under the sun! In return, you
will only eat
grass.
For that, you will have a life span of 50 years."

Ah Gu objected.
"What.. I work all day in the sun and I get only to
eat grass!
On top of that, I have to give my milk away!
This is tough and you want me to live 50 years! I'll
take 20 and you
can
have the remaining 30 years back!" God agreed.

On the next day, God created the dog.
He said to the dog.
"Ah Kow (dog), I have created you for a purpose.
You are to sit all day by the door of your master's
house!
Should anyone come in, you are to bark at them!
In return, you will eat your master's leftovers.
I'll give you a life span of 20 years."
Ah Kow objected.
" What!
I have to sit by the door all day and will need to
bark at people, and
what do I get...LEFTOVERS...
This isn't right, I'll take 10 and you can have the
remaining 10 years
back!"
God agreed again.
On the third day, God created the monkey.
He said to the monkey.
"Lao Kao (monkey), your job is to entertain people.
You will make them laugh, act stupid and make faces!
You will also do somersaults and swing on trees to
amaze them.
In return, you will get to eat bananas and peanuts.
For that, I'll give you 20 years to live."
Naturally the monkey objected.
"This is ridiculous,
I gotta make faces and make people laugh let not even
come to the part
about the trees and somersaults.
Tell you what, I'll give 10 years of my life to thank
you for my
existence and I'll take 10.
What do you think?"
God agreed again.
On the forth day, God created humans.
God said to the man.
"You are my best piece of work, for that, you will
only need to sleep,
eat, sleep, play, eat, sleep again and do nothing
else.You will get to
eat
all the best things and play with the best toys.

All you need to do is enjoy all your life.
For this kinda of life, I'll give you 20 years."
Just like the rest, the man objected.
"What, all I need to do is relax and enjoy myself and
I have only 20
years
to live?
Tell you what, you've 30 years back from Ah Gu, 10
years from Ah Kow
and
another 10 from Lao Kao and you probably don't know
what to do with
all
those lifes. Why not I take them all and I'll have 70
years to live?"
God

being such good natured, agreed with a smile.....
AND THAT IS WHY.....
We eat, sleep, play and enjoy for the first 20 years
of our lives when
we
are growing up.
Work like a cow for the next 30 to raise our family.
Sit outside the door and bark at people for the next
10 when we are
retired.
And finally, we make faces and perform monkey tricks
to entertain our
grandchildren for the final 10 years.
GET IT ?????

Matrix wrote:

A woman was in front her front yard mowing grass when her attractive male neighbour came out of his house and went straight to the mailbox.

He opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later he came out of his house again went to the mail box and again open it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house he went.

As the woman was getting ready to edge the lawn, he came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by his actions the woman asked him, "Is something wrong?"

To which he replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

LAME

Matrix wrote:

Two strangers were drinking one evening in a pub at the top floor of a skyscraper downtown. After a few rounds of drinks, they started arguing.

The first man said to the other, "You know, these days the buildings are built so close together, that if you jump down in between them, the updraught between the buildings will carry you back up!"

"Bullsh1t!" the second man replied.

"It's true! Come, I'll show you..." and the first man brought the second man to a window. The first man then opened the window and to the horror of the second man and the other patrons, he jumped right out! However, after a few seconds he floated back up again and came back in through the same window.

"Now you try it!" he said to the second man. The second man was impressed and said, "If you can do it, so can I!"

He climbed out the window and jumped off the ledge, only to land on the ground with a resounding *SPLAT* !

At this point, the bartender said to the first man, "You know, Superman, you're one hell of a mean drunk."

swt, superman =.=

yeah, got it ~