Funny Jokes

Lady in Red

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping thru the forest road when she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log. 'My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.' The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush. ;'My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf.' Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock. 'My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.' With that the wolf jumps up and screams, 'Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!'

need privacy~

These are the magic words:

sapuri lalakan maampued kitanimo asanin lebamba!

after reading please highlight below of what it will do...


>>>check ur behind if its dark enough if not please do it again<<<

more jokes!!! more jokes!!!~~
haha>.<

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini,Italy,
Went to the local church for confession.When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional,The man said:'Father ... During World War II,a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis.
So I hid her in my attic.'The priest replied:'That was a wonderful thing you did,And you have no need to confess that.'
'There is more to tell,Father...She started to repay me With sexual favors.This happened several times a week,
And sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said:
That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,you placed the two of you in great danger.But two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
However,if you are truly sorry for your actions,you are indeed forgiven.'
'Thank you, Father.That's a great load off my mind.

But I do have one more question.''And what is that ?' asked the priest.'Should I tell her the war is over?'

The CEO of DeBeers (famous diamond retailer) has called on a meeting for his creative team to propose a slogan for their next campaign.

CEO: Ladies & gentlemen, I've called upon this meeting for us to brainstorm for a new slogan for our next campaign. Let us review the previous two campaign slogans:

1) Diamonds, Take her breath away
2) Diamonds, Render her speechless

Now people, I'm giving you two weeks to come up with a better slogan.

Two weeks later, the creative team came up with the CEO with many slogans but none caught his interest.

CEO: What the hell am I paying you for! I bet the janitor can come up with something better.

The janitor who was inside the room to clear the trash at that moment paused for a while and answered.

Janitor: Diamonds, That will shut her up!

If people like you & me thinks that marriage is difficult, let us take Nelson Mandela as an example. Now most people know Mandela was imprisoned for 27 years and was forced to do hard labour in the torturous South African heat plus he was tortured and abuse but he took all those hardships without any problem. After 27 years he was released became President of South Africa and was also reunited with his wife Winnie.

6 months later he asked for a divorce.

Who says marriage is easy
Men can endure any hardships thrown to them but they can't handle a wife

Feel Like a Woman

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of men in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.

He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

"Iron this."

Missing Wife

The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?", she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

No offence for the post.

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,'Father,I have a problem.I have two female parrots,But they only know how to say one thing.''What do they say?' the priest inquired.

They say,'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

That's obscene!'the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.'You know,'he! said,

'I may have a solution to your problem.I have two male talking parrots,Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house,And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,And your parrots are sure to stop saying . .
That phrase . . In no time.'

Thank you,'the woman responded,'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day,She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in,She saw that his two male parrots.Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes,The female parrots cried out in unison:Hi, we're hookers!

Do you want to have some fun?'There was stunned silence.
Shocked,One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot

And exclaimed,'Put the beads away, Frank.

Our prayers have been answered!'

hahahaha!!!
the parrots are so cute >.<

Matrix wrote:

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini,Italy,
Went to the local church for confession.When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional,The man said:'Father ... During World War II,a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis.
So I hid her in my attic.'The priest replied:'That was a wonderful thing you did,And you have no need to confess that.'
'There is more to tell,Father...She started to repay me With sexual favors.This happened several times a week,
And sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said:
That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,you placed the two of you in great danger.But two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
However,if you are truly sorry for your actions,you are indeed forgiven.'
'Thank you, Father.That's a great load off my mind.

But I do have one more question.''And what is that ?' asked the priest.'Should I tell her the war is over?'

this joke has been repeated hair, u alr posted this at the third page of this thread
(a proof that i'm reading ur jokes)

oh popo dun say out so loud...later bro embarrass la~~

oooo i put it eh... sowie my mistake... wakaka

Matrix wrote:

oooo i put it eh... sowie my mistake... wakaka

cant blame hair though, hes old d. turning 50 next month..
jk XP

wahh
DUN MAKE FALSE STATEMENT FOR BRO!!
BRO GO SUE ICEGAY N PUT HIM INTO JAIL >.<
wakakaka

Might as well i shove monster dildo up his arse... wont be seeing the toilet for a long long time (use XXXL pampers)
LOL

Little Johnny

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, tha t was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

wahahaha!!!!
buddy is tht ur aunt gina??!!
LOLX

lolx, didn't even notice 10days had gone so fast, now buddy is back from his work.

One day a child saw his parents dressing up but both of them were still naked. The child noticed they're things between their legs and started to ask...

"Dad what is that between your legs?" His dad smiled and replied, "Well this is my car."

The child this time asked his mother, "Mom what is that between your legs?" Upon hearing him, his mother looked on her husband and thought of playing along and said, "This is my garage."

One night as the couple were making love, their child entered their room and was surprised, "Dad what are you doing with mom?" His father replied, "Let's just say I am parking my car inside your mom's garage."

The child said, "Dad, move it more inside, the two wheels are still outside mom's garage."

what is d difference between a plate and nose boogers?

the difference is that the plate is placed on the table "top" while d boogers goes "under" the table... gross!!!