Funny Jokes

In Singapore, the majority of us live in Highly Dangerous Buildings (HDB),
and most people have already got used to Paying and Paying (PAP).
Not only do you have to pay, you Pay Until Bankrupt (PUB).
If that's not enough, somebody still Purposely Wants to Dig (PWD)
and get more from you.
So what more can you do when you are in the Money Only Environment (MOE) ?
With the current Mad Accounting System (MAS),
you are forced to Pay the Sum Ahead (PSA),
which will leave some people Permanently Owing Some Banks (POSB).
And forced to live on the Loan Techniques Always (LTA) system.
When you fall sick and happen to be admitted to a Money Operating Hospital (MOH).
You might be able to use your Cash Prior to Funeral (CPF) fund.
If you are out of luck, you may meet doctors who Never Use Heart (NUH) to treat you.
And you will be Sure to Give Up Hope (SGH).
To help ease the traffic, motorists have to pay Cash On Expressway (COE).
If that doesn't help, they can always Eternally Raise Prices (ERP) on the road.
If you don't own a car, you can always make a Mad Rush to the Train (MRT),
OR get squashed in a bus Side By Side (SBS).
Lastly, under all these pressures, there are not many places we can relax.
Not even the good old place we used to go because it has become
So Expensive and Nothing TO See Actually (SENTOSA)

lols good one shunren hahahahahhahaha

classic singapore joke

+1

nice one

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources
Manager was tragically hit by a bus and died. Her soul arrived up in Heaven
where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in, though, it seems we
have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human
Resources Manager make it this far, and we're not really sure what to do
with you."

"No worries, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let
you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose
whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said
the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in a
lift and it went down-down-down to Hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green
of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and in front
of her were all her fellow executive friends that she had worked with, and
they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up
and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played
an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she
enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was
actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling
jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it,
it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she
got on the lift.

The lift went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St.
Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the
harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours
were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in Hell and
you've spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity". The woman
paused for a second and then replied, "Well,! I never thought I would say
this. I mean, Heaven has been really great, but I had a better time in
Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the lift and again she went down-down-down
back to Hell. When the doors of the lift opened she found herself standing
in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw that her
friends were dressed in rags and picking up garbage and putting it in
sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't
understand," stammered ! the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a
golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a
great time. Now all there is a wastel and and all my friends look
miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were
recruiting you, today you're staff..."

The moral of this story:
Never believe what you first see in the company/situation or what they
promise you. It usually turns out to be otherwise. The devil is always
disguising the facts and making you believe them!

3 recruits - Chinese, Malay & Indian are at the army supply base to collect underwear.The sergeant was there to aid the supplies.

Sergeant: Hei Ah Beng! How many underwear you need ah?

Ah Beng: (thinks a while) 7 sasen(sergeant)!

Sergeant: (puzzled) How come so many?

Ah Beng: Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat & Sun. One day one.

Sergeant: (Malay recruit) Eh Mat! How many underwear?

Mat: (without hesitation) 6 sargen!

Sergeant: (curious) How come six?

Mat: Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Sat & Sun. Friday I wear sarong.

Sergeant: (Indian recruit) Dei Tambi. How many underwears dah dei?

Tambi: (very confidently) 12 Sarjen !!!!

Sergeant: (shocked & fell to the ground) Why you need so many for?

Tambi: January, February, March.....One month one.

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each" So the eager senior manager shouts, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries for a month. "Pfufffff, and he is gone. Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouts, "I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails for a month." Pufffff, and he is also gone. Then it's the boss's turn, and he says calmly "I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch"

lol hairil u da man for great jokes. post more more MORE!!!!

let me dig out my playboy magazines, I remeber there is a page about jokes, wait ah

lol shadow good joke muahahah

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

lol nice jokes bro n shadow~~
post more post more lurve reading them
lolx

how come classified info and event posts disappear now???????????

shadow wrote:

how come classified info and event posts disappear now???????????

coz sesame migh have "hacked" into our site

shadow wrote:

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

LOL nice1

swt, a gay~

two blondes are walking in the woods when one spots tracks and says, "hey look, bear tracks!" to which the other blonde replies, "no those are deer tracks!" they argue for about an hour. next morning, news headlines read:two blondes, killed by train.

A lady walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist that she needed some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacists eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I cant give you cyanide to kill your husband Thats against the law Ill lose my license, theyll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacists wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didnt tell me you had a prescription.

Last Day on the Job


It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

shadow wrote:

two blondes are walking in the woods when one spots tracks and says, "hey look, bear tracks!" to which the other blonde replies, "no those are deer tracks!" they argue for about an hour. next morning, news headlines read:two blondes, killed by train.

ouch~

shadow wrote:

Last Day on the Job


It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

oh, the wife misunderstood what her husband meant

shadow wrote:

A lady walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist that she needed some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacists eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I cant give you cyanide to kill your husband Thats against the law Ill lose my license, theyll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacists wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didnt tell me you had a prescription.

lolx so sleepy, now i understand this 1... its a male pharmacist, tot its a girl lol

please put age restriction here. These jokes not suppose to see by underage -meaning, poopoo

shadow wrote:

please put age restriction here. These jokes not suppose to see by underage -meaning, poopoo

yea i totally agree
restriction to underage!!!
admin plz do sumting...